When you’re having a bad day at the office, you can go to serious lengths to relieve a bit of tension. It could be something as mundane as a quick game of minesweeper in your lunch break, or an extra cup of strong coffee, or even that sneaky bar of chocolate you promised yourself you wouldn’t indulge in, or perhaps a seven minute bout of frenzied masturbation in the office… wait, what?! No! No way! Most of us would surely draw the line at slipping off to the cubicles to relieve some tension.
The trouble is, there’s probably someone in the office who’s already done the dirty deed. It might well gross you out to think about it, but that’s the ugly truth. Hell, maybe everybody is at it apart from you! If you’re not feeling suspicious then congratulations: that makes you the culprit.
Of course, there’s a few good reasons why what a scientist would call “genital stimulation via phallengetic motion” is universally outlawed within office hours. Not only is it a hygienic nightmare, but you can imagine the effect it would have on productivity? How much time do you reckon is already spent on porn when people work from home? Personally I don’t want to think about it.
But it turns out that masturbation in the workplace might not be such a bad idea. Two psychologists have officially endorsed a self-love break in the name of boosting productivity and employee happiness. Well, I know for a fact it’s good news for Kleenex sales anyway.
A recent article by Ravishly has declared that “fapping is the new smoke break.” I guess it’s not going to give you cancer, although I’ve heard rumours that it makes you go blind. It might sound like a flimsy excuse for some of your randier colleagues to nip off to the toilet for a date with Rosie Palms and her five sisters, but apparently it could act as a great stress release and be beneficial to morale in the long run.
Mark Sergeant, a senior lecturer in psychology at Nottingham Trent University, stated that regular masturbation breaks would be “very effective at work and a great way to relieve tension and stress.”
However he also urged that; “introducing any form of sexual behaviour to a workplace could be a bit of a slippery slope, one that makes people think that other forms of sexual behaviour, such as those linked to harassment, are more acceptable.”
Psychologist and life coach Dr. Cliff Arnall also agrees that work masturbation could prove useful. “I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling,” he stated. “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus, but fantasising about a colleague is likely to result in cognitive impairment.”
Dr. Arnall is famous for coming up with the concept of “Blue Monday” – the Monday on the third week of January which he estimates is the most depressing day of the year, although this theory has been contested as inaccurate and unverified by other experts.
Thing is, none of these sound bites really explore the logistics of this radical kind of policy. Despite all my bad jokes, masturbation is still seen as a taboo subject – especially for women – and this is bound to make people uncomfortable. How would it even work, and who would police it? How long would these breaks be? Do we get paid during them, or do we have to take them out of their lunch?
Maybe it would work, but I just can’t see a way to implement it effectively in a workplace. For now I personally think we shouldn’t bother with it, and keep our hands where everybody can see them.